Mum's the word

The 2008-09 school year has arrived and not a moment too soon! Actually, it arrived prematurely with the community-wide pep rally that went down at the football stadium last night. This is deliciously quintessential small town Texas at its best.

Aside from all the parents being appauled at the music used for the cheerleading dance (try living with a cheerleader who has to play it over and over and over while she rehearses!), the pre-season rally was smoother than Bill Clinton in a deposition. The weather was threatening prior to the event but soon gave way to clear skies under which the cheer squad performed to the musical talents(?) of one "Lil' Mama" who assured us via her lyrics that "my lip gloss is poppin'....my lip gloss is cool...the boys stop at my locker...they chase me after school" (actually, not 'school', but 'skoo'). At the very least, the positive side of this is that the artist is portraying herself as a student who is not practicing truancy as evidenced by the many suitors that accost her in the hallway during school hours. On the flip side, if said artist could learn to say "no" every once in a while, she wouldn't be in the quandry of being a "Lil' Mama" in the first place. Does that constitute a link between lip gloss and teenage pregnancy? Yours for the pondering.

However, for all its musical moral ambiguity, this event does foreshadow the impending arrival of homecoming. And with it comes the parade of mums, some so large they resemble medieval breastplates, bursting with ribbons, bells, whistles, baubles, and glitter that shroud the wearer in glory. Anyone who wonders where the cliche "everything is bigger in Texas" came from, the homecoming mum tradition may very well be the source.

The competition for the biggest and the best is on, people! Traditionally, a girl's homecoming date would be responsible for purchasing this monstrosity but the problem with that is two-fold. First of all, no one trusts their boyfriend to pick out an acceptable mum (translation: he's a cheapskate). Secondly, even if he goes to the local florist and lays out a bundle of cash, there is no guarantee that the mum won't resemble every other girl's mum in school. To quote Supernanny: "That's un-assep-TI-bul".

My daughter and I spent over an hour in Hobby Lobby just picking out the supplies. Ribbons were fondled...silk mums were closely examined for flaws and color-continuity...math was even utilized in calculating the black-to-orange ratio. In the process, hard decisions were made. Some supplies were "voted off the island", others retained for their suppleness, glittery properties, and/or noise-making potential. Hobby Lobby was clearly prepared, staffing the best personnel in the mum section. A clerk happened to pass our shopping cart and within three seconds of examing the contents, was able to identify what school we were representing. This man (yes, a man!) was clearly an expert in his field and I immediately put all trust in him. He led us straight over to a "hidden" display of goodies previously undiscovered by us. We gasped as he pointed to a cart full of ribbons that were printed with our school's name and mascot. My daughter and I were like Lewis and Clark and this clerk was like our Native American host, sharing his riches with us. We seized upon the cart with the enthusiasm normally reserved for Krispy Kreme donuts.

We left Hobby Lobby like a couple of grizzly bears on the verge of hibernation....with plenty of reserves on hand (we bought extra for next year) but physically exhausted. After some excessive shopping (we were already in Austin, so why not?), we headed back home and cleared the dining room table to give priority to the mum supplies. The table was borderline-sanitized to ensure that no food particles would make contact with our sublime ribbons. We gathered the instruments as if we were preparing to perform surgery. Scissors, check....glue gun, check...stapler, check. We were ready.

After hours of meticulous cutting, gluing, stapling, arranging, folding, curling, and tying, it was at last complete. It was full and glorious without being overdone and gawdy. It had depth and drama without taking itself too seriously. This thing should run for president.

My daughter shall wear it with pride. And I shall sport the blisters from the glue gun....with pride.